Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Review: "Potted Meat"

Appearance: An ashen pink mush. Malleable, holds its form when sculpted.

Smell: The familiar fetid aroma of mixed-together, processed animal parts.Very SPAM-like, but more pungent, and much sweeter. The more I smelled it, the more nauseating it became.

Texture: Soft and mushy - also very gritty. Feels like it dissolves in your mouth but leaves behind grainy particles. Watery and scummy when microwaved, like the protein foam that floats up when you boil meat.

Taste: Fatty and cloying. The unmistakable taste of processed meat, but with a gush of sweetness and a hint of heat. A taste not found in nature, resembling neither chicken nor beef, as was advertised. The flavors intensify unpleasantly when heated. Primarily tested cold with crackers, but willing to try other pairings. More than several spoonfuls would probably cause food poisoning.

Verdict: If well-plated and dressed nicely, I think this could pass as a pâté for your less sophisticated friends and enemies. DO NOT MICROWAVE. Still testing other non-edible uses.

Review #1: Brunswick: Potted Meat with Crackers

Odor:  Brunswick Potted Meat with Crackers has a bouquet containing traces of cat-food, tin, industrial plastics, sweat, (and corned beef???).

Texture: A paradox wrapped within a contradiction both strongly mucus like yet unable to fall off the spoon.

Taste: Corned beef and raw poultry form an unhappy marriage within this fine meat slop.  Under the surface notes of meat one detects flavors of paprika and various forms of radioactive, and non-radioactive metals.

Pairs well with: rotgut poitin, not the crackers that this was served with.

Could be used for: Considering the wet sand quality of this product my first guess would be that it one could make a sandcastle out of it.  Further meditation suggests the combination of the grainy texture and the sodium nitrate could produce a workable discount facial scrub.

Dollar Store foods. Two brave and weary souls.

Hey everyone/no one!

We'll be reviewing dollar store foods here - an endeavor we've been discussing for ages. Stay tuned for culinary excellence/horror.